Written on 2024-10-20

These past ~6 months I’ve been devoting much thought to:

  1. Getting fired by surprise by my business partner in April from the startup I co-founded, and the resulting emotions of anger, grief, and betrayal
  2. Identifying what characteristics I want in my future partner, and how to find her

Getting Fired

First, the firing: I found myself getting caught in cycles of fury, especially in May, June, and July. I felt a vicious cocktail of shame, a need to vindicate myself by proving that what he did was unjust, and a desire to retaliate. I was focusing heavily on my cofounder: what I felt he was, the part he played in this, making him see what I saw, collecting evidence that I was justified in my beliefs.

In the midst of this maelstrom, a friend gave me advice: “Forget about him. Focus on you.”

The tip percolated in my mind, and I began to perceive that my anger towards my cofounder was imprisoning. I needed him to be [insert nasty word here], and I needed to prove him wrong. In doing so, I was choosing to enslave myself to him: choosing to obsess over what he did, choosing to let my mental cycles be consumed by negative feelings towards him.

Buddhism says, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” It began to make sense to me.

In the ensuing months, I came to the conclusion that I needed to let go of the anger. Not for him, but for myself: to rid myself of poison. This was easier said than done, and I won’t lie and say the evacuation is fully complete. I do believe I’ve made significant progress, however.

Things that helped:

  • Understanding that letting go of the anger does not require I agree with what he did, or condone it.
  • The mantra, “I forgive him, because I want to be free.”
  • Journalling the things I’m thankful to him for - not for him, but to free myself from the need for him to be any specific anything (including, a villain).

This journey helped me realize that I felt good focusing on me. It was less effort.

During the course of the firing, my cofounder laid out his justifications for doing so. In the firing’s wake, I found myself obsessively avoiding any behaviours on his list because (I felt) it would mean he was right. This was constricting and exhausting. I was letting myself be reactive to him.

If I instead focused exclusively on what I believe to be true and the person I want to be, who he is and what he believes are not a part of the equation. I could be free to accept and work on things from his list simply because I thought they were good feedback and I wanted to work on them. Similarly, I could be free to ignore the parts I disagreed with simply because they’re not part of my vision for myself.

This led to the idea of myself as a work of art - a living sculpture. That I might practice forgiveness or calmness or non-reactivity or altruism not because I “should” in the doctrine of a religion or moral framework, or because other people want me to, but because I’m most proud of myself when I do.

This extends beyond just the mental/spiritual realm: that I might train physically because I’m most proud of my body and my discipline when I do so. That I might practice skills because I’m proud of myself when I’m competent and capable. That I might learn because I admire curiosity.

What happens when you dedicate your life into crafting yourself into something you respect and admire, purely because you believe it to be right?

These thoughts are still in the nascent stage so I don’t yet know, but I suspect you feel very good. If you believe yourself to be something valuable that is whole and complete independent of external reality, you have abundance. You have something to offer to others without needing the others to be any specific way. You are an anti-hungry ghost.

My Ideal Partner

In my twenties, I used to prize a woman’s physical attributes highly: was she pretty, did she have light eyes, did she have a nice body. As I’ve matured in my thirties, I’ve realized that a woman’s personality - her energy - is a much better filter for the type of person I want to be with. Is she kind, calm, and patient? Does she seek self-awareness? Is she curious, and energetic? Does she focus on positivity?

(Some of you readers are undoubtedly smiling at me with an “Of course!”. I am very good at making mistakes, and thankfully also good at learning from them.)

To this end, today I listed out the traits I’d like in my ideal partner… with a twist. Neil Strauss suggests that we should make a list of the traits we desire in a partner, measure ourselves against that list, and then work on ourselves to become those things. I liked this idea.

So, here are a few items from my list with my own rating for myself (using the traffic light scale) in parentheses next to it:

  • Open to adventure (🟢)
  • Calm, patient, non-reactive (🟡)
  • Fashionable (🔴)
  • Accepting, & non-judgmental (🟡)
  • Curious (🟢)
  • Self-aware, reflective, does therapy (🟢)
  • Takes care of her body: works out, eats well, gets good sleep (🟡)
  • Trustworthy, honorable (🟢)
  • Tidy (🟡)

In doing so, I perceived I was actually writing down a list for the man I want to become. If I can embody these things, I would feel like I was bringing a whole, complete, joyful, peaceful person to the relationship table. Perhaps, bringing a beautiful and valuable work of art.

And if she brings the same?

Ah, that feels like the type of relationship I want to be in: one where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. One with the potential to last a lifetime.

Final Words

I am an ambitious builder. I want a happy life and I am willing to work to get it. For many years I thought this meant toiling to shape the outside world into what I wanted it to be. “If only the world looks like what I want, then I will be good. Then I can rest.”

I am recently coming to understand that when you push against the outside world, the world pushes back. Reality is uncontrollable, and will never match what I think happiness looks like.

I suspect it is far easier, and far more gratifying, to instead shape myself into someone I think is extraordinary. Become someone I admire, allow that light & positivity to shine out into the world, and then gather around myself those other souls who resonate with what I’m putting out.

If that’s not a task worthy of being called my magnum opus, I don’t know what is.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” - Rumi