Written on 2023-04-03

Death

Three weeks ago I was looking for a fiction book to read after work, to help me decompress before bed. I found the Farseer Trilogy by Robin Hobb, saw that it was higly-rated, and dove in.

The books are rough. One Reddit commenter said, “Hobb, rather than write Mary Sues, writes Mary Fuck-you’s.” I concur: the main character - Fitz - has an inordinate amount of bad luck, his good intentions frequently result in bad outcomes, and when he finally does succeed Hobb gives him just a page or two of victory. Though well-written, the books were stressing me out so much that I stopped 20% of the way through the third one in favor of the plot summary online. This was a wise decision for my mental health.

A central theme in the books is duty. Fitz is the bastard grandchild of a king, and the king feeds, clothes, and educates him in exchange for his service as the king’s assassin. Only, Hobb’s world is harsh and Fitz, rather than enjoying James Bond-style glamour, is abused and disavowed just like a real-life medieval assassin would be. Many conflicts in the book are rooted in the tension between Fitz’s desire to be his own free person with his own life, and his obligation to his king.

Fitz’s mentors are dutiful, disciplined men of the king, and they have little sympathy for his plights. When Fitz’s well-intentioned actions lead to negative consequences that frustrate him, the mentors are quick to label him immature and assign him the blame. Their lack of empathy infuriated me, and was a leading cause of the stress I got from the books. Couldn’t they see how hard he was trying? How much he was suffering?

But…

As my brain chewed the books over, I began to wonder if the mentors weren’t right. No matter how much Fitz complains about being trapped in impossible dilemmas, his actions are still his own - the result of his own choices. He chooses, and he has ultimate responsibility. An uncomfortable question grew inside of me: am I Fitz? Am I shirking responsibility for my actions?

I’ve long been frustrated by my own perceived lack of self-esteem, and it has sometimes felt like a curse I’ll never be free of. At various points in my past I’ve blamed this on:

  1. Life, for (I believed) dividing the world into two groups - confident people and unconfident people - and assigning me to the latter
  2. My peers in childhood, for not (I felt) welcoming me into their social groups
  3. My high school teachers, for not seeing that I was struggling
  4. Romantic prospects, for (I believed) not seeing the value I had inside of me
  5. My parents, for their strict and disciplinary approach to child-rearing

I’ve been an Extreme Ownership fan since 2016, and embracing ownership in the workplace gave me what I needed to actually lead teams. I could take ownership in my job actions, but my emotions and personality… I’d behaved as if those were everyone else’s fault.

The brutal, ugly truth is that it’s always been me.

I chose to stay in playing videogames rather than socialize on the weekends.

I chose to be snarky and sarcastic because it made me feel powerful and safe while being honest made me feel weak and exposed.

I chose to stay on the edges of the school dances, choosing to tell myself I “couldn’t” ask girls to dance, rather than facing my fears and doing it.

I chose to blame my parents and society during my teenage years, rather than face how my beliefs and actions were causing the situation.

I have been choosing to use work as an excuse to avoid dealing with my deep loneliness, because working long hours is socially-acceptable and generates sympathy.

I have been choosing to blame Kurtosis for “stealing” my time because it is easier than telling Kurtosis “no” to protect time for my personal life.

I have been choosing to make my cofounder responsible for bolstering my mood when the going gets rough.

On my high school soccer team a teammate once told me, “Kevin, the self-pity thing is getting real old.” He was right. These choices are mine, and what I’ve reaped today is nothing more than what my choices have sown.

And after death comes rebirth.

Rebirth

If all my all my failures and all my straying are because of me, then all my accomplishments - my academic and professional success, my degree, my travel and adventures and worldliness, the hearts I did win and the relationships I built, my drumming, my MMA fights, the languages I speak, the business I founded, and the introspective awareness I’ve gained - those too are all because of me.

I had considered myself swept along on the currents of life, a fortunate but largely-aimless leaf in the right place and the right time on a large, wide river. Luck is undoubtedly a part of my story, but I made the choices that let me take advantage of it:

I chose to push through the initial confusion of variables and arrays to learn programming.

I chose to enroll at University of Illinois.

I chose to, rather than room with my childhood best friend, room with a random roommate who eventually introduced me to Palantir.

I chose to reapply to Palantir after I was rejected the first time.

I chose to ask Palantir to send me abroad.

I chose to do therapy for the first time in 2014.

I chose the path of seduction, and pushed myself to talk to perfect strangers.

I chose to adopt Extreme Ownership, and therein become a leader.

I chose to leave Palantir and found Kurtosis.

My therapist said the other day, “If you aren’t responsible for the losses, how can you take credit for the wins?” I now deeply understand how this must be true.

Homecoming

This fresh insight still needs to be reinforced with years of practice. Being the owner of everything in my life is Seriously Hard, and I often find myself slipping back into a victimhood mentality. When I’m angry or stressed or feeling abandoned, the last thing I want to do is admit I had a hand in causing the situation.

But there is a freedom in doing so. If I am feeling awful, then I need to identify what I did to cause the situation and make different choices. To do anything else is to surrender, saying, “I am letting myself be controlled by whatever life throws at me.” That, too, is a choice.